Some nights its hard to get to sleep...my mind goes round and round like a broken ferris wheel at a cheap carnival. Right when I think its beginning to slow down the momentum from the last turn catches up and pushes the wheel around for another go. Nights are the worst because there is nothing around to distract you. It's just me on the air mattress, on the floor of my sister's studio apartment in Orange, holding "Monkey" (my stuffed animal) wondering why life takes the turns it does. I am on the verge of my dream job having freshly graduated from college. My circumstances are good, but my heart is empty...
For a long time I have considered Matthew 12:46-50 to be one of the crux passages in my life. I really do live my life like this. My friends become an extension of my family. So when I lose a friend I lose a small piece of me every time. Over the last few years I have lost many friends...it's one of the hazards of working in camp ministry...everything is seasonal...transient...hello and good-bye are things that have to be accepted, but that doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes you even think that its one of the few that will last, make it through, which only makes it harder when it doesn't. I have become a bit embittered over the past few years. It makes it harder to open up summer after summer and let new people in...but no matter how hard it is I still believe in the words of Jesus as he speaks in Matthew and Mark...
Matthew 12:46-50
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." 48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
We must never allow ourselves to become so calloused that we miss out on meeting our family anew...
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From the book Radical Hospitality
Hospitality enables you to joyfully make room for another inside your open heart. It stretches the brittle, tight heart. A closed-up heart can never relax, never allow you to enjoy another, to play, to relish the unguarded moment of surprise. It is always waiting for the other person to strike.
Only the secure person can live with an open heart. To do so is a whole lot braver than it sounds. You become susceptible to all sorts of human oddities and strangeness. You will be misunderstood. You will be rejected. Doubts you could otherwise avoid, will circle your feet. You have to resolve the issue of whether or not the universe is a safe place. Only the brave keep the door ajar.
(My life in the following)
A brave heart eventually shines with the divine presence; like God they are free, they are welcoming and accepting, they are strong, yet gentle. They are wondrously available. Yes, it will be costly. People will enter your heart and your life; they will become precious to you and then they will leave. An open heart will be broken. This is all undeniable.
But, by remaining open we learn about ourselves and we grow in ways we'd never otherwise grow. We discover why it is hard for us to trust and love. We encounter the broken places we have ignored; we listen to the voices of our deepest longings to connect. We pay attention to distinctions. We learn the sound of a malicious lie and learn to discern it from the whisper of a frightened one. Discernment, a vital element in wisdom grows in those who remain open despite the high cost.
Stay open and learn from those who come and go and grow from those experiences. Most importantly seek God and His heart on it all.
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