Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Why...

Why do I have so many questions in my head that I can't answer?

Why do I feel so unloved when a lot of people love me a lot?

Why do I feel as if I have no place that I belong to?

Why do I feel as if there is no one who would listen when I speak?

God, I don't get it. I am frustrated...I feel very alone. I don't feel abandoned, just ignored. My life is fruitless right now. At this point I don't seem to be much good to anyone. I'm just here. What do I do? Is it meds? I'd rather not. It seems like a quick fix and only a band-aid. I desire something outside of myself. I hate when my life becomes about me. It's so empty. I miss blessing people. I miss leaving a conversation knowing that the other person has been built up rather than torn down. I miss having people seek me out because they truly desire to spend time with me. I miss getting at least 15 hugs a day from people who know and love me. I miss so much... I miss peace and joy. I miss being content. I miss having friends. My life has run in two year increments lately

Two years...
of high school in Visalia
of high school in Porterville
at a Junior college,
at Christian Heritage
on Common Fire
at Whitworth

I want time to build a life. I'm sick of always transitioning. Transitioning means losing friends and security. It means having to readjust again. I want to invest in someting that would take time and absorb me. I hate sitting around doing nothing. But, I can't get jump started on my own. I'm too afraid...too broken...too lethargic. I need help. I need someone willing to come alongside me. I need someone here by me. Someone who views me as a peer and doesn't look at me any different than anyone else. God, do you like any of these suggestions? Anything here strike you as good? I have no idea...perhaps I am just grasping for air. I don't know. Someday it will be better. But God I am tired of waiting. Perhaps, I am just giving up. I'm not doing anything so I don't see much of a difference. I lose. Score: God 1 Janice 0. Sometimes that's what i feel like. A fight of wills...lost again. It's time that I cried all of this out. Be done with the emotion. Is that all this is? God, I don't know. I'm confused. This is not who I am.

God help me...please...
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

All I will say is that you wrote exactly how I feel many days. I don't know the answer, and I know what it feels like to want something more permanent and less transient. I have also not spent more than two years in any one community since I was 13. Keep on and hold on.

3:54 AM
Katie Mitchell said...

if you figure it out let me know. i feel like i'm questioning everything. when i think i've finally got something that will make me happy...i'm only dissapointed. when i find that God is my portion and He completely sustains me I am elated and overjoyed. for the first time in a long time I feel like i have a home and i'm not trying to run away to the next place. the time getting here has sucked, but God has grown me. persevere... i know you will. being the new kid all the time is no fun... everyone else is settled and they forget that they were the new kids once too and forget that its oh so important to draw people in and make them feel welcomed. keep fighting for the joy. God IS better. you know that. God's will will always win... don't be disheartened by that... be joyful that we don't have to have it all figured out. and so you know... getting to see you last sunday... amazing... i walked about feeling built up because you always make me feel like i'm important and loved. i value you so much janice line and i wish you could only know how much you mean to me... be blessed and be encouraged. the maker of the universe loves YOU!

10:25 AM

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